My thoughts relate to a beautiful quote I found the other day. “You are not just one drop in the ocean, you are the ocean in one drop.” Two statements that show vastly different perspectives on how we can see each other. What we tell ourselves about what we mean to ourselves. Are we only a drop in the ocean. I want to touch base on this portion for a moment. I have been sexually abused in my life, I have been degrated, torn down and made to feel less than not just by others but by myself. I concluded for a long time in my life that I deserved these types of treatment from others because people would only treat me this way because I deserved it. There must be something wrong with me. Here lies a lot of years of reflection, self healing and acknowledgement that if I was conflicted in this story I was continually telling myself than there had to be more to it. For years I sweated out the words and tried to use excercise as a way to cope. It made me feel alive, confident, that I could accomplish anything. I loved the feeling of being soar after a workout and always felt accomplished. Fast forward to what will be 5 years in a month and 3 days I lost my daughter. The pregnancy was hard. I gained a lot of weight, hurt. Injured myself some how to the point that I could hear my pubic bone clack everytime I tripped. I was in constant pain. The days of sleeping on my side was gone towards the end of the pregnancy and it was too painful. I longed to get back to the gym to get these thoughts of not being enough out of my mind!! Then my life fell apart again. My daughter died in the womb. I had to give birth to my daughter and hold her lifeless body and I couldn’t help but ask, “Why me?” Why did this have to be my story. Why couldn’t this of happened to anyone else. I have already had to go through horrible things and I didn’t want to have to go through anything else. My husband was a great comfort. Holding me, standing by my side. Silent but loving. We had never cried like we did that day or the days that came after leading up to the funeral. Needless to say my heart was broken but my body was in dissaray as well. I couldn’t roll to my side without severe spasms and getting stuck. I started physical therapy and it took almost a year for me to roll on my side and not have pain. I wish I could tell you that the joy of sleeping on my side was still enjoyable but its not. I still have pain. It hurts to walk to much, clean a shower, stand to long, sit to long and has made me feel old sooner than I expected to. This was the hardest thing I have experienced thus far in my life and I tried to get back into working out again but I was almost unconsolable trying to deal with this lost. This was my story. My sad story and I held onto it. How was I going to deal with my grieve, I couldn’t run. I tried to work out but I was in consistant pain, it hurt TOO BAD. I still tried but not as hard, I turned to food to help fill an emptiness that I couldn’t fill any other way. I started seeing a counselor and asking, pleasing for help to understand what is wrong with me. Why am I so unworthy. I started learning something in counseling. People are not always kind. They are mean and it’s not always your fault. Sometimes it’s them projecting to make you smaller to make them feel more adecuate and sometimes it’s because you did mess up. Am I my mistakes or am I what I learn from my mistakes. Great question, one I don’t know I would be able to answer until after my second daughter was born and I started a fitness program that was suppose to help me loose weight but what it did it start helping me change the way I started to talking to myself. My internal dialogue that was always so negative. They taught me to walk away from the bad and rise up. That the universe would put people in my life that would put me on the path that I needed to be on and that I just needed to listen, visualize and do it. The saying “Motivation is what gets you started. Habits are what keeps you going.” Well, shucks. Doesn’t that just sum up my life. Floating along hoping to get it when I was weighting to continue with motivation but it wasn’t there. I needed the habits and know how. I only lost 3 lbs on that fitness journey but I learned mentally I wasn’t in a place to lose the weight because I would free myself from the shackles I had bound myself too. I wouldn’t allow myself to fly. People perspectives what I felt I deserved still held me down. In this last year I have learned to see the quiet manipulations from others, maybe not right at first, but I have started to see it and distance myself from people who want to see me miserable, who want to see me less than. It has taken me 39 years to realize I am the ocean in one drop. I am greater than the pain that I have allowed to be my story. I am learning to see the light and love in my story. Focus on myself and share my life with the people that want to see what I see in life. I am filling and connecting with people I love and trusting God through the storms has a purpose for every lesson. Letting me know who to keep in my life and who to let go. My daughter Madison was born a year and a half ago and honeslty believe that she was a gift. I feel more equipped at this time in my life to help her navigate this world and to show her to always be kind in a world that can be crue. Always see you are the ocean in one drop.