I have been up since 3:00 am MST laying in bed with all these thoughts of what I am supposed to write. This blog has been years in the making and to be honest, I am still trying to figure out what it is all meant to be. I know that as I continue to figure it out I will be inspired and guided. All I know is, I am supposed to start writing today, this morning and so here I am, trying to find the words meant to be shared.
I started this blog post with Once upon a time because….well, once upon a time there was a girl that wanted to be a little bit of everything. She wanted to share everything she learned! The problem with just sharing me is my experiences, my journey isn’t my own entirely. It’s filled with people, trials, teaching moments and inspiration. It’s hard to say that my experiences are my own entirely because I am unique in how I get my answers. I believe I wasn’t supposed to walk alone in this life. I was meant to learn, grow and be inspired by those around me. My experiences like many others are derived from others knowledge. I am in the middle of my own education in many ways. I am starting to educate myself in ways I never thought possible and constantly uncomfortable because this work is hard. There is a quote I found that says, “The secret to success lies in the very thing you’re avoiding. Those things that seem to break you down and humble your spirit.” Unfortunately, I AGREE 100%. What does that mean. Growth comes from facing the hard stuff.
The last 6 years of my life has been a roller coaster. Why 6 years? That is when I lost my daughter Libby. I’m sure I will go back through my journals and share her story here as I know that it needs to be told, but the purpose of sharing this experience briefly is to help you understand what catapulted me into change. Before Libby’s death I used exercise to deal with a lot of painful experiences I had growing up and in my adult life. I masked it with the healthy endorphins. I can say it helped short term, but the demons and the sadness always came back. I had a lot of ups and downs and emotionally I felt a lot. I had all of this pain in my mind. I felt like a victim. I was truly never happy and was trying to rewrite my trauma surrounding things that happened to me and sadly, trying to deal with it created more trauma and led to decisions that hurt more than just me at times. I wanted a new story dangit, but that is not how life works. Up until a few weeks ago, I didn’t even accept my story. I tried to wrap my arms around this little girl who was looking for love and acceptance only to tell her that she didn’t deserve it because she wasn’t whole. I can now hug that little girl and tell her she will get through it and she will love both the good and ugly parts of her life and it won’t define her. With that said, back to my point. After my daughter died, I had problems rolling over in bed. I would have spasms and it took almost a whole year for me to not get locked up or have spasms after I rolled over to my side. It hurt to exercise and honestly it felt like half my heart was ripped out. I was the epitome of a puddle of goo. I wanted to go back to figure out whatever I could to heal. When people say time is the best medicine for loss. It truly is. I started counseling, struggled and it really hasn’t been until the last two years that I have found some of the answers and my real healing has begun. What changed? 1 – My attitude towards change. 2 – I am getting better at not sweating the small stuff. 3 – I stopped trying to be so dang perfect to the people around me because I came across as fake and ingenuine and realized I am the best version of me when I am authentic to who I am. So because I wasn’t willing to find something my body could handle I wasn’t excercising, I was overeating and I started working on the emotions behind it all. I still have a lot of work to do, but I am in the process of figuring it out, the me that I know I have always been. I won’t apologize anymore or try to change for anyone else but myself.
If you choose to join me on this journey, you will learn about the amazing individuals I have had the opportunity to meet and learn more about me and how my life is interwoven with so many amazing people. Life is to short to go it alone and I plan to take you through my journey of love, self healing and weight loss. I hope that this blog will reach those who need it and it will open the door to meet many more amazing individuals, but at the end of the day, this is about me and my journey and no matter what others choose to do I am doing this to be the most authentic me I can be.